This Sesshoumaru Doesn't Do Work
by Sesshoumaru'sPriestess
Summary: A series of interconnected one shots to show that Sess isn't "perfect" at everything after all...humorfic... COMPLETE. Winner 2nd Place Best Humor/Parody 2011 on Dokuga
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer" I do not own InuYasha, Rumiko Takahashi does….lucky. -_-

Sesshoumaru sighed as he looked at the want ads once more. This was his tenth job he had been fired from and no end was in sight. Why you might ask? Simple. He was unqualified…..and he was Sesshoumaru. Kagome would sit across from her mate and sigh. Why did he have to make things so difficult? Sure he was handsome in an almost ethereal way and he was dashing….but he was also cold and cruel to all but her. **"Sess**? Why don't you try one more time huh? I'm sure if you only…" She was cut off by his voice, tight with annoyance**. "It is not this one's fault that the smelly unwashed masses of humans do not understand this Sesshoumaru's potential. This one shall find work to suit him and it shall be on this one's terms." **

They didn't need the money after all….he just got bored after a time and liked to do different things behind the scenes while he ran his multi-billion dollar companies as well. Sighing she nibbled on her meal as she thought back on what he had done so far….

Therapist/Grief Counseler

The news channel was blaring as Sesshoumaru looked on in annoyance from home that evening. The fool he had counseled had jumped from a 12 story building to his death and after reading the note his phone was ringing nonstop. The fool was on his couch earlier that day crying about how his wife had left him for his best friend and his job had relocated out of country, how was he supposed to live?

"**You should not."**

"**Wait…..what?"** The man had been stunned.

"**This one believes you should not. After all you are a pathetic excuse for a male and no longer productive. You are a plague to yourself, your female as well as this Sesshoumaru. Now leave. Time is up."** His face blank and unfeeling. **"Seppuku would be the honorable choice."**

His practice went under from the multiple suits following the man's death.

Music Producer

"**But Mr. Tanaka!"** The girl whined**."I have yet to out a full length album my demo party was scheduled late! How will I get the fame I need if I keep disappointing my fans like this!"**

"**Fans?"** He almost sneered. **"This one could barely see how you have fans due to the loud screeching you call singing and the fact that you carry the scent of every other producer in this building. Talent indeed."**

He caused the company to lose the biggest selling artist of the year…and the best skank the company ever had. He was never allowed to step foot on the grounds again.

Daycare worker

The kids all lay sound asleep, their faces angelic and peaceful. Nap time was his favorite part of the day when dealing with the human pups and he sighed as he reclined in the chair he would read his paper in. This job was all too easy…until he was found out.

"**Mr. Tanaka!"** His employer would rage until he saw Sesshoumaru glower. The man would shrink back in fright and stammer. **"You simply cannot use your youki to knock the kids out to force naptime!"**

"**This one does not see the issue….the nap is the most important part of the day is it not?" **

He was no longer allowed around other's people's children in a learning environment….ever.

Assassin

"**You were supposed to kill the foreign Prime Minister!"** The man on the other end of the phone raged. **"You missed the meeting point by an hour…why?"**

"**Simple…"** He would coolly reply before dropping the phone and walking away. **"This Sesshoumaru was on break."**

The government was almost tempted to revoke his citizenship….but no one wanted to die.

End.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer still stands.

A few months would pass before Sesshoumaru would attempt to find a job again. By the time he was done with the temp agencies many were shaking with fear as well despair. He was the worst employee in history…..but no one was going to tell him that. Kagome had long given up hope that her mate would find something to satisfy him enough to make him stop and settle with his business Tanaka Corp. She had been busy tending to the pup they had, Tsukimaru when she once more let her mind wander to what he managed to get into…

Judge at a Dog Show

Sesshoumaru had really lucked up on this one. He was an elite judge at the 78th annual dog show where all the finest breeds were on parade. _"Finest breeds indeed. This Sesshoumaru is the from the most royal and well bred line in the history of Japan. These fleabags are nothing compared to this Sesshoumaru." _

As he walked ahead of the other judges, his posture stiff as he looked coldly at each dog. As he stopped in front of one, the dog made the mistake of growling, not liking the vibe Sesshoumaru was sending off. He immediately turned glowing red eyes and glared at the dog sending out a flash of youki as well. That dog as well as the other 100 or so there….pissed themselves, sending up a stench of urine and fear that caused the arena to be closed until further notice.

He was banned from ever judging a dog show ever again…as well as received a bill for cleaning expenses and dog therapy.

Human Show Contest (Beauty Pageant XD)

There was no need to even explain this one…..every girl there ended up weeping….and needing therapy because of body issues. XD

Stripper

How could he ruin this one you ask? Well…

He had been commissioned by the owner of the club to smile, be nice, offer lap dances and offer "extras" if he needed the money. _"As if this Sesshoumaru would need the money." _ The remark had almost caused him to destroy the human male right then and there. However…..he had didn't want to have to deal with his mate on this. She was plenty pissed already and amused by this current job.

He did however go out on stage and do his performance in the guise of whom else…but himself? He knew he was perfect and the women ate it up. Though he almost gagged from the scent of arousal that fogged the place, he was not prepared as well for what would happen when he did his rounds working the floor.

A woman….who apparently was a regular and spent GOOD money had her eye on Sesshoumaru and was used to getting what she wanted. As soon as he made his way over swaying and charming them…well as best someone like him could, she had swept her hand over his chest and then grew bolder to move lower….

"**So there lover….." **She purred."**How would you like to come home with me tonight?"** Unaware of the pissed blue eyes watching from a corner…

Though he was trying to not ruin this job, his tongue could not be held. **"This Sesshoumaru would rather neuter himself that touch your person that smells of every male in this city…several times. Remove your filth from this one's person."**

Let's just say…the big spender left in a huff and rage…and he was fired as well as blackballed from every club in the area…..and mysteriously sued as well for assault….something about a crazed woman beating her up outside the club?


	3. Chapter 3

Don't own Inu, Sess, Kags, or Ramen how…unfortunate.

Kagome would be making her weekly trip to the market this time, barely able to avoid all the stares and whispers. She had thought that nothing worse could happen….that there was NO absolute way her daiyoukai could do anything more mortifying already. She was wrong. As Tsukimaru happily cooed in the cart as she pushed she smiled down at her son and ran her fingers through his silver locks. "Oh Maru…..why us huh?" She would head into the aisle where one woman was about to grab the food item she was reaching for….however once she saw who it was…..she scurried off leaving Kagome with a scowl. This would not be happening if only Sesshoumaru had quit while he was ahead but noooooo….

Telemarketer

Sesshoumaru would be working for a company called Learning Inc. that sold books like encyclopedias and the like to families who had children from grade school on through college. It was his first day and already he had a headache. He had already called 20 people and not one would make a purchase. His nerves on edge and irritation, he knew he would be fired if he didn't get at least ONE sale by the end of the day. Picking up his phone one more time, he punched in some numbers only to hear a ringing and a pickup after a few minutes.

"**Hello?" ** A woman would answer. She sounded fairly young and so he knew she had children most likely.

"**Good Afternoon…..this is this Sesshoumaru with Learning Inc and I have an offer for you today….."**

"**Hello…." **Her voice a bit shaky and unsure.

"**This Sesshoumaru has an offer for you today. The company is offering a set of books and we would like to offer you a special deal…."**

Before he could get out another word, the phone would make a jostling noise and a man would get on. **"Who is this?" **Already sounding annoyed and rude.

Repeating his script Sesshoumaru was cut off when the man began a barrage of curses. **"I AM SO SICK OF YOU PEOPLE CALLING HERE ALWAYS TRYING TO SELL SOMETHING. WE DON'T WANT ANY AND IF YOU CALL BACK HERE I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!YOU ALL HAVE NO LIFE NO MORALS AND ARE PATHETIC!" **With that, the phone abruptly disconnected.

Looking at the phone is disbelief, he slowly hung it up. What in the seven hells? The male must have been having a shortage in brain cells to speak to him that way. By now, his coworkers were shying away in discomfort at the heat and rage that flowed from the cubicle he was in. How dare that fool speak to one of his status that way! He already knew that he was done anyway since he made no sale so…

A phone call later and Sesshoumaru would simply get up and walk out of the building, his boss yelling at him. "**Hey Tanaka! Where do you think you are going? The workday isn't over!"**

"**Out." ** Would be his simple reply and from his murderous look the man knew to say nothing more.

A 20 minute drive later and he would smirk as he pulled in front of a house. Double checking the address he had his employees look up he was sure this was the place. Getting out, he squared his shoulders as he walked up the drive and knocked at the door. He would hear a curse as someone approached and knew it to be the male. _Perfect"_

Once the door was opened, he once more entered his pitch.

"**Good Afternoon…..this is this Sesshoumaru with Learning Inc and I have an offer for you today….. The company is offering a set of books and we would like to offer you a special deal…."**

"**What? What the fuck are you serious? Aren't you the joker I just told to fuck off on the phone? Look I told you if you called back I would kick your ass, now you come here? I guess you wanted an ass kicking more than I thought…"**

With that, he made his first….and last mistake of the day. All he felt was a blinding flash of pain as his hand was caught and squeezed to cracking as he went down on his knees. Looking down with a deadly smirk and glinting fangs, the red-eyed daiyoukai went on.

**The company is offering a set of books and we would like to offer you a special deal…."**

Waltzing back into the building before the shift was over; Sesshoumaru went and dumped a check and a rather sizable one on the shift manager's desk. Oh…he knew he was fired…but he also made the highest sale of the week.

A/N In case you missed it or wondered why the woman ran from Kags earlier…..she was the man's wife. XD

R&R!


	4. Chapter 4

Don't own the song "Dude looks like a Lady or any of the part of the WWE's wrestler's...but I do own the right to make fun of them.

The next job, Kagome was sure was the one that would end all jobs. At least she hoped. This one she knew nothing about until she had caught it on television. InuYasha and his mate Akiko had been invited to keep her company while she waited to see what this new surprise job was. All he had told her was that he was going to be featured on a show of some kind and she anxiously had gathered friends and family to witness his television debut doing something else other than corporate business. After all the snacks had been made, she and crew that also included Shippou and his mate Souten as well as Kouga and Ayame turned to the channel and watched the show only to have their jaws drop…..

Wrestler

Sesshoumaru knew that there was no way he could fail at this one. He was the Great Sesshoumaru, Lord of the Western Lands! No way would he lose to some lesser demon much less a human. He had made an agreement to do a special onetime match and they had even chosen his theme music and costume. Fitted in a pair of shiny black spandex briefs, with his chest oiled and glistening, he was sure to win over the female crowd right away.

He had spent the last few hours being prepped on how to get the crowd to eat out his hand and even how to perform the moves without causing serious injury. This however, would confuse the normally stoic daiyoukai and if he could show emotion he would have frowned right then. Why did he have to PRETEND to fight? Was not the point of fighting to cause injury and come out the victor?

Dismissing the thought for the moment, he would go and get into position as his theme was coming on and headed out into the arena with the thousands of screaming fans. He only hoped that they chose something menacing as his theme and that would put fear into his opponent.

*cue intro*

"Ladies and gentleman of the arena, in this corner weighing in at an amazing 7 feet, 200 lbs The Lord of the Western Lands, Sesshoumaru!"

He smirked. This was it. Coming from behind the curtain he was met with the blasting theme music of…

(That, that) Dude looks like a lady  
>(That, that) Dude looks like a lady<br>(That, that) Dude looks like a lady  
>(That, that) Dude looks like a lady<p>

"Dude Looks like a Lady" from Aerosmith. WHAT THE HELL? His smirk quickly formed into a scowl as he twitched in a rage, his claws beginning to drip the poison he was so famous for. He would kill whoever was responsible for this insult.

Back at the house, a certain miko was well as the other occupants were stunned into a stupefied silence. Well all except one hanyou would was laughing so hard he almost died from asphyxiation.

"**Seriously! This is what Lord Ice Ass is doing this time? You can't be serious." **He would gasp between breaths as everyone continued to watch…

Despite the insult they had already shown his person, he decided that he would continue the match even though he was so pissed he could barely see straight. All the rules beforehand went out the window as a slow smile crossed his face. He could work out his aggression in the ring and salvage the night. Reaching the ring, he did do the prep they had practiced as he engaged the crowd. Grabbing the mic, he glared first at his opponent, who was now shaking as they saw who it was they were fighting before he spoke.

"**Tell me fool…can you inhale what this Sesshoumaru has concocted?"**

Getting a look of fear and no answer, he glared as the scent of fear rolled off the poor victim.

"**Though this Sesshoumaru does not usually repeat himself, I said can you inhale what this Sesshoumaru has concocted?"**

His face in a scowl as the signal for the match began and he flew at the poor shaking demon…..(A/N I couldn't help myself XD)

Back at the house, InuYasha had just stopped laughing….until he heard the line. **"Oy! What the fuck? Did he just say "can you inhale what this Sesshoumaru has concocted?" **His face red from almost choking on laughter. **"The fucker is not The Rock! What's next? "Gimme a hell yeah" by Steve Austin or in his case "A yes would be adequate." **

"**InuYasha?" ** The miko would be eerily calm though she was dying inside. **"Osuwari."**

_*crash*_

Back in the ring, the other demon would not know what hit him. All he knew was pain, excruciating pain. They were only one good minute in and already he wanted to tap out. His contract stated he would not get paid if he didn't at least put on a good show and get one hit on the daiyoukai. Shaking like a leaf from pain and fear, the demon kicked out….and landed a hit on the surprised demon lord's crotch.

Sadly he would not live to collect his money as the last thing he saw was an acid green whip coming at him…and then nothing.

The screams that would fill the arena as the crowd fled would cause the demon lord to smirk as he looked at the two halves of a once whole demon. Stalking off, he smirked darkly. _"And here this Sesshoumaru was always told wrestling was staged."_

It would take six months of court and a total of over one million in lawyer's fees to get Sesshoumaru off of serving life in prison for murder. Using Tensaiga to bring the demon back didn't hurt either.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I don't own nothing…'cept my own creations kukukukukuku

Sesshoumaru had been trying his best not to take any jobs that could possibly cause him to maim or dismember anymore people demon or otherwise. It had been a close call with the last round of employment he had and he still couldn't live down the tabloids as well as the incessant cackling of his bastard hanyou sibling. The fool seemed to just show up simply to annoy Sesshoumaru and had it not been for Kagome as well as Akiko, the whelp would be among the deceased. One incident would be when at the top floor of Tanaka Corp, Sesshoumaru would be working and plotting on his latest plan on working when InuYasha who was supposed to bring in the latest reports on how the finances were, came in wearing a chef's outfit and wheeling a cart. Thinking the fool had finally gone off the deep end, he merely watched before speaking.

"**Have your senses finally left you fool? Tell this Sesshoumaru WHY you are dressed so oddly at a place of business such as this?" **He could smell something savory coming from the food cart and wondered what the hell was going on.

Smirking widely, the boy would only inch towards the door before speaking.** "I thought….that maybe…you would like to inhale what this InuYasha has concocted!" **His laughter echoing as he tore out of the office before he was killed leaving his half-brother in a stupefied silence.

Closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose, Sesshoumaru stood and slowly approached the cart, his eyes flashing as he did. Lifting the tray cover inside would be a steaming pair of shiny black wrestling briefs on a plate of steaming sushi rolls…..

The rest of the office would only feel a massive wave of youki and a loud crash as a food cart sailed from the 40th floor. Knowing who was up there, they continued to work as an almost feral Lord yanked open his office door almost tearing it from the hinges and stalked to the elevator. **"This Sesshoumaru is done for the day…cancel all other meetings and appointments….better yet…."**He smirked. **"Give them ALL to InuYasha."**_"That was it….this Sesshoumaru will find something else to do and fast…before I kill the hanyou….."_

Photographer

Sesshoumaru had found work taking family as well as individual photos. The work was simple enough and it provided him the solitude he liked….except when it came time to take pictures of children. Kami he hated them…they were annoying, loud and ill-behaved….not like his own pup Tsukimaru. Human pups made him want to rip out his own hair and rip off his ears from the whining, crying and screaming.

The peace would come when time came to develop the photos and see what masterpieces he had captured. During the few days he had been working he had taken about a dozen photos of both family and singles. As they developed he would frown, the imperfection marring his marble-like face of perfection. No, no, no! They were all wrong. Too many imperfect faces, too many emotions….just too much….human. This would not do at all. As he looked through photo after photo, a small grin ghosted on his face as he thought of the perfect solution…

Destroying the negatives of all the work he had done, he quickly set to work on true perfection…..

A week later when the photos were to be picked up, Sesshoumaru was nowhere to be found. He already knew what the fall out would be and so had put in a two week notice. As each person would open their package with a smile hoping to see cherished smiles and precious memories, it would quickly turn into one of confusion…..and rage.

Each and every person would carry the photos back to the counter demanding back their money. Confused as to why…..the new person on hand would leaf through the photos in surprise.

Each and every one was a perfect photo of Sesshoumaru.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: *Does the Thriller dance*. Nope….don't own that either.

Why he had even bothered to do this job was beyond him and he scowled as he remembered. Kagome had finally had enough of him for the time being and demanded that he do something where he could not cause any unneeded trouble and commotion. The daiyoukai had thought to show her who was alpha and instead ended up on the couch for two long lonely weeks. Cursing as he tossed and turned on the sofa that was more for looks than comfort, he dreaded what he had to do next….

Funeral Director

His face fixed in a scowl that would cause another ice age, Sesshoumaru looked in disgust at the dead body in front of him. It would be that day that they were a hand short and he had to assist in preparing the ningen for the funeral. It was already well into the night since they had chosen him to work the graveyard shift, his pale ethereal look making him look like a corpse himself in the dim workspace. He was in the basement where the bodies were cleaned and embalmed before being dressed and placed in the coffin for the next day viewing.

The night had been unusually busy and he had been brought in some bodies that came in only hours from an accident. His guess would be that the fools had been careless in their driving and now lay before him about to taken into the netherworld. His annoyance only increased as he looked at the new arrivals. This would take him all night and into the next morning to finish.

The only other person on duty would poke their head down into the basement and yell at Sesshoumaru. **"Hey Tanaka! I'm heading out for the night. Miss the wife and kids and I definitely stay here too long. Have those bodies ready by daybreak huh? Thanks."**

Looking at the man leave with an internal sigh, he once more looked at the workload. At this rate, he would not make it home in time to his miko or his pup at a decent enough time. This would not do at all. Narrowing his eyes, he would become lost in thought for only a few moments until his face cleared and his eyes took on a certain gleam. It WOULD take all night unless…

Not wasting any more time, he left his work where it lay. Not like it was going anywhere anyway….yet. A pleased demon would form into his orb and a light would be seen leaving the funeral home only to return moments later.

Heading back down into the basement, he would quickly get to work and when finished would lock up with an eerie look in his eyes…one that would tell no tales. As soon as he touched down home, instead of going into the house, Sesshoumaru headed straight into the backyard and into the dog house with the puppy he had bought for Tsukimaru. He had a feeling he would be safer there come morning as he thought back on what he had done…..

_*flashback* _

_Swinging the sword over the corpses, one by one, he smirked. "Go now and be thankful that this Sesshoumaru took pity on you careless fools…."_

Sure enough, an enraged miko would come tearing through the house searching for the missing demon lord come morning. Her face was flushed with rage and a mix of….amusement? Knowing where he went when he pissed her off, she went straight to the doghouse and peered into it calmly, her voice the calm before the storm.

"**Tell me Sesshoumaru….why I wake up this morning to screaming and panic only to turn on the news….and learn that ZOMBIES were spotted coming from the funeral home…..specifically the one YOU were working at?"**

Scooting back further into the doghouse that would probably be his home for the next few days….or weeks, Sesshoumaru glared at her.

How was it his fault that ningens believed in foolish things such as zombies?


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I still own nothing. *sadfaise*

This one…..would be fun. Sesshoumaru had thought long and hard about what he would do next…and then it hit him. Something that would be challenging as well as amusing for one such as him. Something that would give the shock factor he wanted as well. And something that would…make ripples that would not soon be forgotten…..walking through the door to what he knew would be his first and last day of this assignment Sesshoumaru smirked. Today was the day that the demon lord became a….

Priest

It had been quite interesting how he went about getting this done. A demon…as a priest…ridiculous. Of course he had gone in and in Sesshoumaru fashion had suppressed his youkai and jyaki and posed as one who was a traveling priest that offered his services to places in trouble. The church was one that had been scheduled for closing since poor attendance had been the norm for the past few years and the staffs as well as the few faithful goers were losing faith that anything would change. However, they would continue to serve until the doors closed for good hoping that somehow they would be saved. Well Sesshoumaru had been given the assignment of dealing with the people who had lost their faith in one way or another and came there for reassurance and to voice what happened in their lives to make them feel that way. It was a low-level job that not much notice got paid attention too since attendance was so poor, but they would meet every Saturday to talk about how things were and what brought them there.

The small group would meet in a room with a few snacks of soft drinks and foodstuffs, chatting quietly while waiting for the new "priest" to join them. They met in the evening in order to have time to talk freely and not interrupt any day services that came along. They would not have to wait long when suddenly a woman in the room shivered as a tall man with hair that flowed to his knees entered the room. His face was sharp and concentrated as if he had a lot on his mind. As he strode across the room, he made his way to the vacant seat next to a man who looked to be around his late 40's. As he sat down, he looked around the room. A total of 8 people…..5 men…3 women. Hn…

"**Good evening."** A deep baritone voice would ring out, making all eyes snap to him and all chattered to cease. "I am your new priest assigned to you this evening; you may call me **"Priest Daiyoukai".** If it were anyone else….any other demon…they would have laughed by now. Anyone who knew better knew that youkai meant"demon" but…he had picked a church fueled by Christianity...a religion that did not exist in Japan when he walked the earth as a feudal lord. Setting a smirk on his face that was meant to be pleasant but instead looked like he was sipping a milkshake in a snowstorm…he went on.**"I am here to help you find out how you lost your way and perhaps….remedy the problem." **Oh…he would remedy it alright….in more ways than one.**"You….begin….speak of why you are here." **He pointed to the man sitting next to him.

"**Well….."** The man began nervously.**" I am here because I lost my faith you know? I used to believe…..but then all these things…bad things happened in my life and I figured if there was a higher power why would things like this be allowed to happen? You see….I was happy once. I had a wife, kids, good job, home the works. Then all of a sudden, it's like I got hit with a curse of some kind. First…I lost my job when the company went under, then I was unable to find another job in time to keep the bills paid. My wife helped where she could but it was not enough. We lost our home after sometime and then my wife fell ill from stress and worry. We ended up moving back with her mother who hates and berates me every day that I am there and making my life hell. I drink to deal with it and wonder when I can get back on my feet. Is that not enough to lose faith and hope?" **His tale over, the man quieted and listened to the murmured agreeing of some of the others who knew how he felt and understood.

"**I see….well, we will go around the room and hear something form all of you...and then I shall make my assessment and assure you that before you all leave you WILL have a different outlook." **His eyes strangely amused and glinting. Moving around the room, he listened to each ones tell a tale of woe and hardship of some kind. Well, he would fix that very soon and after the last tale was finished he stood.

"**This one sees now. You all base your failure and hardship in the fact that a higher entity did not hear your sorrows and act on your behalf am I correct?" **That question would be met with small nods and murmurs. **"Then perhaps a demonstration of some kind would be in order….you seem to believe that if you cannot see something it is not real correct? **Again he would be met with nods and murmurs. **"Very well then…" **His smirk had grown to almost epic proportions and he had gotten up and turned his back to the small group. It was time. Time to give them something to believe in alright. Closing his eyes as he faced away, he allowed his inner beast to creep the surface. A small wind would seem to blow out of nowhere as the "priests" hair seemed to be caught in the breeze and an odd feeling came into the room. A voice would come then that shook them all to the core and froze them in their seats.

Turning back around with a smirk that had their blood running cold, there was no longer a "priest" there but something else. A beast with eyes burning crimson and baring fangs…fangs? With a dark laugh that made a few hearts stop, he spoke."**Well…do you now believe in demons?" **All that would be heard then would be the loud screaming and clattering of chairs as the room was cleared in record time leaving the demon lord alone. Staring blankly as he allowed his jyaki to retreat, he looked annoyed and mused to himself, **"Was it something this one said?"** Before coolly exiting the building, his job done he supposed.

Needless to say…attendance for church services was up the next month by 110% preventing shutdown. Something about "demons" walking the earth disguised as priests….


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: Own nothing but my own madness.

Chuckling inwardly at his next endeavor, Sesshoumaru just knew he had this one in the bag. There was no way he didn't….he was perfect and perfection always came out on top. His superior skills as a demon lord would finally be put to use and he would be the sole victor and finally…here would be something else he was perfect at. Those other jobs were just flukes and proved nothing. Usually it took anyone else years to get to a place like this and due to his impressive entry performance he was admitted immediately and praised like one of his status should be. From far off he could see his mate and pup as well as his bastard half-brother and his mate and other acquaintances. Sporting a confident smirk and his head held high as one befitting his station, Sesshoumaru stepped out into the early morning to greet his soon to be fans and admirers….

Olympic Athlete

Sesshoumaru was due to perform in a few events thus securing his victory and first place in the overall competition. He would of course take the first place gold with as much dignity and humbleness as he could. It was not the others fault they were inadequate compared to him after all. He would compete in the areas of fencing, track and field, swimming, weight lifting and the triathlon. Martial arts would be all too easy and so he decided to forgo that.

Fencing would be an absolute breeze for him being the master swordsman that he was. Track and Field? No problem. He almost felt sorry for the others…..almost. It was not his problem that they were human…and there were no rules that said he HAD to tell anyone he was demon. Besides….no one believed in then anyway. Demons like him and the hanyou were mere legends and so even better for him. Kagome had tried to talk him out of it, saying how unfair it would be but he was hearing none of it. All it did was earn him a place on the expensive and HARD sofa they shared in the home. He was sure once this was over she would return to her senses and apologize. He was always right after all.

Once the competition began, he began flawlessly like usual his fencing excellent and practiced. His opponent was defeated in mere seconds leaving the crowd in awe and admiration. There had never been anyone so skilled and talented before leaving the judges in shock. InuYasha and Kagome as well as the others would look on in silence, knowing that he would blow away the others and win gold after gold…that was the way it was right?

From there he would destroy the record time for the track and field as well as the triathlon earning him more and more admiration as time wore on. His ultimate victories would come when he did the weightlifting. Watching the humans struggle to lift hundreds of pounds, muscles bulging as they huffed and puffed to be the best. Once it came to his turn, he lifted the weight easily and for good measure added on more weight and continued to lift. Wanting to impress his new fans as well as the judges even more, he did simple tricks with the weights like spinning them and using one hand only.

The swimming portion would have Kagome in flames as she saw him come out in the Speedos they had to wear, his body oiled and glistening in the sunlight. The women in the crowd as well as a few men would swoon, making the miko more and more pissed. There would be some injuries in mere moments if Akiko had not restrained the woman who was slowly going insane. She was relieved when the signal came for them to start as Sesshoumaru did a perfect slice into the pool his strokes strong and fast. He was to the end and back before the others were even halfway, once more leaving shock and amazement.

He decimated event after event, leaving no mercy in his wake and opponents humiliated and defeated. However the others were worried. There was no way that with the way he performed something would not be suspected. They could only hope that it was passed off as something that could be explained.

The Kami had to have been listening to a miko's prayers that day. And chose to grant them…but to the worst consequences afterward. Once all had been said and done, the votes tallied and the numbers crunched; all athletes were lined up and called for each award…..many would get a gold here, a silver there and a bronze that was not as coveted as the others but still good.

All they would hear was the announcer calling her mates name time after time as he accepted each medal his face proud.

"The gold in track and field….Tanaka, Sesshoumaru!"

Fencing…..Tanaka, Sesshoumaru!

Swimming….Tana…"

It would all become a mix and blur as his name was called over and over as he stood on the podium that held him and the other two top winners. This was it…..he was on top of the world and nothing could ruin this….nothing. He was the best.

_"This Sesshoumaru has shown that he is the best…and now the whole world has seen it. There is nothing that can ruin this one's moment." _ His eyes focused on the crowd as he ignored the rest of the announcements until….he saw the shocked face of his mate and the rest and his half-brother burst into uncontrollable laughter. Snapping back into reality, he tuned his ears to hear the rest and he was the one this time to be shocked and awed.

"Due to the review of the judges and the absolute perfect performance of Tanaka, Sesshoumaru we have cause to believe that performance enhancing drugs have been used and so suspend all awards to Tanaka pending further investigation."

No…..there was no way. How dare they believe that HE, Sesshoumaru would stoop to use pathetic human drugs to be better than anyone. HE WAS BETTER THAN EVERYONE! The arena had completely gone silent at the announcement, except….for the one sound of unmistakable hanyou laughter and Kagome's worried face. Even the ones he had beaten and humiliated now sat back with satisfied smirks on their faces. They knew he was too good to be just a man. All he could hear now was a voice echoing in his head ...

_Suspend all awards…..pending investigation….enhancing drugs…suspending awards…..awards…..awards…*insert hanyou laughter* judges review….investigation…..review…..hanyou laughing…laughing…_

He could feel the rage and heat building as his eyes began to twitch slowly and his hand shook from the fist he had it in. His now reddening eyes focusing on the judges and the other competitors who know noticed something was very, VERY wrong. Someone would pay for this insult…..and the laughter told him who. Maybe he could not kill the humans…but he could use InuYasha…this was his fault somehow. There was no other reason he would accept, his rational mind gone as his beast took over.

In the next moment, the whole place would erupt with screams as a giant white dog tore through the place, destroying all in his path as he headed for the seating….and a certain hanyou. Everyone had scattered, leaving the stupefied boy on his own still laughing and oblivious. Seeing the enraged demon barreling towards him, it was too late to run. "Well….shit….." Would be his last words as everything went black.

Japan was never allowed to host the Olympics ever again.


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: Don't own Elmo or any Sesame Street characters…..but I do own the lulz.

A/N: Thanks to theunknownchild for the push for this next chapter and an amusing little joke I read that made me hop up to write this. ~SP

He needed something….something that was not going to make him look like a fool in front of a whole crowd of people like last time. He had been shamed in front of billions around the world watching the competition. He had been investigated and after a long and lengthy process (as well as his own influence) the matter was dropped and his prestigious awards returned. Kagome had right then and there demanded that he quit his foolish quest to find what else he was perfect at before he ended up ruining their lives. He had already put InuYasha in the hospital for a month following the Olympics and Akiko had yet to forgive him. Not like he cared anyway….well…perhaps he did a little…the couch was becoming rather uncomfortable. When Kagome wasn't happy…HE wasn't allowed to be happy.

In order to pacify his mate and get back in her good graces, he had gone to see the hanyou as well as his mate, bearing gifts that would be the only apology they would get. Once he had done that, he had given his word to his mate that he would soon quit his search for jobs really soon and settle back at Tanaka Inc, doing what he did best. Rule with a fist of steel. She had seemed satisfied enough but with a rule. SHE would choose his final jobs from now on. It was either that….or nothing. He might be a demon lord but he knew when he was fighting a losing battle and so he agreed. And that is how he found his way to being employed at a…..

Doll Factory

Grumbling under his breath as he looked at the giant building of concrete and steel, he cursed lowly. Kagome was doing this on purpose to punish him…he knew it. She was trying to make him suffer for the last event by making him work with countless smelly humans making him do the unthinkable…..making Elmo dolls. Accursed children's toys that he loathed. He knew this Elmo creature from a show his pup watched and it made him want to stab out his own eyes from the sheer boredom of it. There was one in Tsukimaru's room and it had the most annoying voice as well as being hideous. He did not know what the pup saw in that thing….

Deciding to get the day over with, he would show Kagome that he could handle her attempt at making him look foolish. There was no way that HE could ruin making a doll. He was skilled with his hands and nothing that he graced ever failed. He had known that he had to report to a human supervisor and that he did hate but found himself there anyway, listening to the human with great boredom.

As he sat in the chair, half listening he caught small bits about him being in charge that day of quality control and making sure that the doll was correct. The human's voice would drone on and on…

"And you have to make sure….Elmo testing….correct anatomy placing…quota…extra felt…marble balls…test…..ickles…eyes…."

After a moment, he would notice that the human had stopped and was looking at him expectantly. "Well Tanaka, did you get all that? If so we can head down to the main floor."

Dismissing the human with a nod, Sesshoumaru knew that was a cinch. With his speed, he would not only MAKE the quota, but destroy it. This would earn him praise of course and he knew he deserved it. Once on the floor, he would be introduced to all there, ignoring them all of course and the buzzer to start the day would sound.

Dolls would soon be rolling down the line, and he would look at each doll and do what he was instructed accordingly with speed and accuracy that any human would envy. As he finished with each doll and sent it down to the next person, they would only look at the doll before bursting into a guffaw or downright hysterics as they tossed it to the finished pile.

Not really sure why they would react that way when he would finish a doll, he naturally assumed they were jealous and continued on working throughout the day. Soon enough lunch would come and as he did not really feel the need to eat, he merely stood and watched as the humans filed out to eat, each laughing as they passed and looked at him. It was beginning to annoy him slightly and he fought the urge to destroy them all, as that would cause Kagome to become angry with him when he had just gotten back in her good graces.

Once lunch would be over, the humans would file back in only to continue laughing and smiling all day until quitting time. By that point, he was enraged enough that his eyes were slowly shifting red and he growled lowly. Thankfully, soon enough the shift was over and the supervisor would come to make an appearance and tell him what a great job he did.

The man WOULD come and look over the dolls for a moment before the laughing began. His back would be turned to Sesshoumaru and at first glance it would seem like the man began to shake from rage….however when he turned around he too was laughing, a strange smile on his face.

Walking over cautiously to the demon, he asked with the smirk still on. "Hey Tanaka…..what was it that I told you your job was this morning?"

Looking at the man like he was insane, it was all he could do to hold his composure. All the day's laughter at what he believed was his expense was not making him any happier. "I believe you told this Sesshoumaru to make sure that the doll was correct in every way using the extra felt and marbles and that if it were missing anything to use the spare parts provided to fix it before sending it down."

Finally losing it the man choked slightly."Yeah…..I see." Grabbing a doll, he held it up for all to see. "What is this?" Holding up the doll, he saw that all was as it should be…and then there was a little extra. Between each dolls legs, Sesshoumaru had cut a small piece of felt, enclosed two marbles and sewed it onto the doll.

"I had a feeling you weren't listening to me Tanaka…..if you were you would have heard me say that our new Laughing Elmo doll was supposed to be given two _test tickles….._not testicles."

At that, the factory would explode into laughter, each person laughing until tears where running down their cheeks. Maybe if he had not been so snobby when he came down to the floor, someone would have told him sooner. His own pride had been his downfall this time. The laughter would go on and on as he stood there, his rage increasing as well as his embarrassment. Finally losing it, the laughing humans would see a flash of silver, red and green as the dolls seemed to melt in front of their eyes, the massive pile turning into a sickly green goo and a noxious gas spreading through the factory as alarms of every kind when off as a red eyed demon destroyed his work leaving no trace evidence to ever be seen.

As all else fled the factory, terror all around…. inside one would remain…finally calming and looking at what he had done. Giving a satisfied nod, he walked out of the now deserted and noxious place his pride once more intact. "Well….at least this Sesshoumaru had a ball."

Endnote: This was on my mind and I just had to let it out…forgive me. :P


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the cruelty in these letters….enjoy.

This was unfair. Since he couldn't seem to behave himself when he was around people, Kagome had sentenced him to being a Santa for the holiday. However, instead of being around kids and possibly scarring them for life by having them sit on his lap, she had him get a job answering the letters instead. It spoiled his fun as far as he thought, but also relieved him of dealing with smelly, annoying ningen brats.

Though…he could still make SOME use of this menial job…..I mean..how much trouble could he get into?

**Letters to Santa**

Sitting down to read the first letter with a bored look, Sesshoumaru would scan over the simple childish letter from a child named Billy.

_**Dear Santa,  
>I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben good boy all yeer.<strong>_

_**YeR FReND,BiLLy**_

Grimacing at the letter and all its imperfections, he would write back a small smirk forming…

**Dear Billy,**

**Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawn care specialist. How about this one sends you a book so you can learn to read and write? This one is giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!**

**This Santa**

Satisfied with the letter, he would move on to the next from a child name Rocky.

**Dearest Santa,**

**We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?**

**Love, Rocky**

This one would be even more fun than the last, a dark wheel turning in the demon lord's head. Cracking his elegant fingers, he once more grabbed the pen and began to write…

**Rocky,**

**Firstly, stop calling yourself "Rocky," that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Third, I get inside your home just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.**

**Sweet Dreams!**

**This Santa**

Feeling even better the more he went on the next few would go on without a hitch.

**Dear Santa,**

**I really, really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?**

**Timmy**

**Timmy,**

**That whiny begging crap may work with your folks, but that shit doesn't fly up here. You're getting a sweater...again.**

**This Santa**

And the next…

**Dear Santa,**

**Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?**

**Love, Jessica**

**Dear Jessica,**

**You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your**

**Home this year..**

**This Santa**

And even more…..

**Dear Santa,**

**I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really, really want a fire truck this year!**

**Love, Joey**

**Dear Joey,**

**Let this one make it up to you. While you sleep, this one is going to torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.**

**This Santa**

And more….

**Dear Santa,  
>I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!<strong>

**Love, Sarah**

**Dear Sarah,  
>You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?<strong>

**This Santa**

And finally….

**Dear Santa,**

**I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.**

**Love, Teddy**

**Dear Teddy,**

**What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the baby-sitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let this one get you some nice Lego's instead. P.S It is your fault somehow, ningen.**

**This Santa**

More than satisfied with himself, if he were a lesser being he would have laughed. None the less, the demon lord would seal each letter and head to off to deliver them, a small smirk on his face that promised enjoyment on his end and no one would be the wiser….

This Christmas would not be a total loss….

A few days later, Sesshoumaru would be feeling more jovial than he had been in days….even the hanyou had not been able to ruin his mood and his mate and pup were ecstatic. No one seemed the wiser and Kagome had said nothing about his letters. Perhaps he had finally gotten away…

Once Christmas day would come, all gifts would be torn open and exchanged between family and friends, with one gift that was saved to Sesshoumaru from Kagome. Her smile had been secretive and he was told that gift was especially for him and it was too opened at night once the guests left.

Impatient, he was more than glad once they had all left and Tsukimaru had been put to bed. He just knew that Kagome had something sexy in it for him and his good work…opening the box, he would go from smirking to puzzled as he pulled out a blanket and a note.

"**I know what you did Sesshoumaru….and you will be sleeping on the couch tonight. Merry Christmas! Love your mate, Kagome."**

At that he would hear a noise and turn to see his mate all sexily dressed for bed…with a dark smile on her face…and he was not invited. He would follow but only find that a barrier blocked him from their room. It was going to be a long night….

So much for getting away with it…..but how did she know? His mind whirring as he settled on the couch. He had written the letters and dropped them off to the center Kagome had directed him to…..

All at once it clicked and he sighed slightly. **"Damn."**

Upstairs, Kagome would have ALL the letters he wrote strewn out over the bed. Reading them and grinning slightly, she shook her head. **"I knew I couldn't trust him."**

A/N: If you are lost…she set him up because she knew he was going to do something messed up so she had all the letters made up.


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer still stands.

A/N: This is it….the end. I had to give this puppy a proper ending and so without further ado….

This was it. Sesshoumaru was done. Finished. Moved on. All the months of doing these different jobs and he had learned much from each and every one. Whether they had ended in disaster, major disaster or slight annoyance, he had enjoyed them all…..to a point. Now he would once more sit at his rightful place at Tanaka Inc and look over the months of takeovers, acquisitions, mergers, buyoffs, tradeoffs, and liquidations of companies that had in some way impacted on his own and so needed to be destroyed.

He had been gone for far too long…but it had been worth it. He was more motivated than before to oversee his company with InuYasha as well as Kagome by his side. With Kouga and Ayame as his team that handled legal affairs, all was as it should be.

He would smirk slightly as he looked over page after page of incoming requests and go back over the former jobs he had done…all had been worth it in the end and he could not have been more pleased with himself. However as he enjoyed these thoughts, they would be interrupted by a knock at his door and a peeking of a raven haired woman who turned out to be his mate.

"**Hey Sess." **Her smile wide as she came into the room to give her daiyoukai a kiss and chat with him about what was going on with today's mergers. There was a little something that she had up her sleeve as well and all that they needed now was to get him out of his office. He had been a little gruff after the Christmas incident but she had more than made it up to him the next day….and the day after.

"**I came to talk to about a few things that needed to be seen to right away…they just came up and I need you to come to the lobby where it is…."**

Taking his hand in hers, she would lead him out of the office, her mouth in a secretive smile as she walked him along the hall and to the elevator and on the ride down she would be smirking. Once she was outside the doors, she would yank him and lead him the rest of the way….where most of the staff was waiting including his brother, his mate Akiko and Kouga/Ayame. There were tables layered with food and drink and the place was decorated festively.

Turning to look at his mate, he was puzzled but his face remained stoic. **"And what is going on here? Are these not working hours? Why is half the company including my idiot half-brother standing here?"**

Giving a small smile, Kagome would blush. **"We…" **She waved her hand. **"wanted to do something to welcome you back to work as well as commemorate your time working those other jobs, so….."**

With another wave, Kagome would have a giant TV rolled in that would be turned on and a DVD would be slipped inside.** "I had you recorded at each and every one…even the ones I could not attend, don't ask how…and now we will all watch the demon we know and love at work while we enjoy this great food and company!"**

Giving a snort, InuYasha would huff.**"Speak for yourself wench. Bastard had me in the hospital for a month after that Olympic shit. I only came for the food and cause I work here." **Earning a few laughs from random people and an elbow from Akiko as well as a glare from Kagome.

The party would go underway and there would be many laughs as people watched their boss in action…..or inaction…..or rage action. There would be blushes from his stripper gig and guffaws at his wrestling stint. The beauty pageant would have them in stitches as well…and the gasps would come from when he was a visiting priest.

All in all they would have a great time and even Sesshoumaru would crack a smirk from time to time as he watched his performance. He would have to admit….no matter what job he was in…he looked fantastic.

Hours would finally pass and the food and movie would be done away with. Once it was, his stoic demeanor would come back in full force as he looked around and a slow smile came to his face that froze his employees.

"**InuYasha…you will take over the company for a week while I am gone….my mate will be joining this one as I have one more job to attend to."**

Frowning the hanyou would spring into action. **"What the fuck for bastard? Didn't you just get back here and what job do you have now that is so important?"**

Following his lead, Kagome would look at him puzzled.**"Sesshoumaru?" WE are going somewhere?"**

"**Indeed mate…this one has a job we can both enjoy…sunbathing on the beach in Mexico…..we will be vacationers…and InuYasha has a job as well in addition to this one." **He smirked. **"Babysitter for Tsukimaru until we return."**

Taking his mates hand, he would walk them to the lobby doors while InuYasha sputtered behind him. **"And how come bastard? Why do YOU get to keep on skipping work and not only that go on vacation on top of that just as you get back?" **His face fuming.

Sesshoumaru would only turn slightly to glare at his brother and then smirk slightly."**Because little brother…this Sesshoumaru doesn't do work." **Smirking as the doors slid closed behind the couple.

End.

A/N: I would like to thank all of you who rode with me through this journey and shared a couple laughs with me here and there. I hoped you enjoyed it as much as I did writing it, even when I wanted to tear my hair out from frustration. Thank you for nominating it and allowing it to win second place for 3rd Quarter. I will continue to work on one-shots and hopefully a more serious fic if my muse allows. Much love, ~SP


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